


I Die Every Night With You

by Ravelen



Series: After Words [5]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Coda, Episode: s03e12 Original Sin, Hopeful Ending, Love, M/M, Malec, Post-Episode: s03e12 Original Sin, soft boyfriends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-10
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-11-14 17:00:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18056510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ravelen/pseuds/Ravelen
Summary: "Of course. Everything I need is right here in front of me.”Part of Magnus believes the words, and the rest of him longs to, so he figures that counts for something.





	I Die Every Night With You

**Author's Note:**

> Title from ‘My My My!’ by Troye Sivan.
> 
> Unbeta’d…please forgive any mistakes, it's 1am here ;)

"Of course. Everything I need is right here in front of me.” 

Part of Magnus believes the words, and the rest of him longs to, so he figures that counts for something. 

Alec just lays this kind of stuff out there, bright and glorious in all his heartfelt sincerity:

_when I’m ninety…  
…staring into the eyes of the man I love_

All the ways he tells Magnus he’s in this for life.

Magnus is so thankful for him. He sheds light into parts of Magnus' soul he'd thought he'd shuttered for good. But he's not capable of truly understanding what Magnus has lost. Magnus isn't sure he himself truly understands it yet, but the magnitude of it all is beginning to creep upon him, like a sickly dawn over a battlefield the day of an advancement; dreaded light to die by. 

He's lost his powers, yes. He feels weak and vulnerable. But the worst of it is losing time. So, when Alec speaks of when he's ninety, it's both a cherished dream and a nightmare to Magnus. That Alec so casually looks ahead and sees himself still by Magnus' side is a wonderful thing. It warms Magnus' heart, somehow still beating after all they've been through. But if they survive long enough that Alec reaches such an age, they'll truly be _old._ Magnus tries to picture himself with crow's feet and white hair and feels sick. It's not vanity, it's sheer terror. 

How do mundanes cope with this? With being born just to age and die? With the finite time they're alloted? Clary didn’t even get twenty years.

Magnus feels like someone pressed fast forward on his life the moment he gave up his magic, and he's been desperately grabbing at moments and memories as they fall to the cutting room floor ever since. 

It's not really about galleries, or souvlaki, or blurry photographs of dragons he's yet to develop (he's knows it will be blurry; that camera was terrible when he bought it in the eighties, he's not sure what he was thinking), it's about being present, bearing witness. He's always taken it for granted that the world will turn, humanity will march on, and he will be there to see it. 

There's only one bright spot to all of this. The ache that he's always felt at the thought of losing Alec someday has dimmed, but maybe only in contrast to the pain that has replaced it.

Lost as Magnus is in these thoughts, the shock of Jace’s fire message jolts his brain, like a train jumping its tracks. 

The evening after is long and Magnus spends it at the Institute, mostly with Isabelle and Simon, who arrive together with matching expressions; eyes bright with hope, but faces pale and drawn. Together they wait for Alec to return from Paris with Jace, Luke and, impossibly, Clary. After they portal, Alec texts to say they're tracking her, then they hear nothing more for a long while. 

Isabelle is a bundle of nerves, almost shaking with what Magnus assumes is the emotion of it all. Simon watches her with careful eyes and she stays close to their vampire friend. Something is pinging in the back of Magnus' brain, but he's not sure what. He doesn't have the energy to follow the thread of the thought, nor space in his head for anyone else's worries right now. 

When they finally give into the need to sleep, Simon says he'll keep watch and Magnus and Isabelle head to bed. As he settles into Alec's bed without him, and watches shadows move on the ceiling, Magnus wishes he was in Paris. Not so long ago he would have been the one to portal them there, not some hired Warlock. He would have insisted on going with; he wouldn't have even needed to, it would have been a given. Now all he can do is lie here wondering if they're all right. He knows he could have pushed to have been included, but what's the point? Jonathan is truly dangerous, and Magnus would have only gotten in the way. Better that Clary's demon brother doesn't know he's powerless now anyway. 

Impossibly, Magnus eventually sleeps. Dawn breaks and he’s just drifting on the edge of waking when Isabelle bursts into the room. "They're home. They found her!" There are tears in her eyes. 

Holding Clary in his arms is unreal. They'd been so sure they'd lost her. Her arms around him are slender bands of steel. "Oh, Magnus," she says, close to his ear. "Alec told me. I'm so sorry." 

Magnus does not cry, but it's a close-run thing. He smiles against her hair and pulls back to look at her, at her tear-bright eyes and dear face. "Don't worry about _me_ , Biscuit," he says. "I'm just glad you're home."

Having her back heals something. Magnus imagines himself punched through with holes, and the Clary shaped one has been made flesh again, all stitched up. A fresh scar resides in its place, pink and tender. 

There is much to be done that day. Clary debriefs them all about Jonathan and the rune she and him now share. They make plans to track him down, and put extra security in place. 

Magnus stays on the periphery, welcome but detached. He watches this group of friends he's made, these (mostly) mortal beings. They are efficient and work hard but they smile, and joke. The relief in the room is palpable. Luke and Simon hover and Clary moves in and out of their arms, as if they can't get enough of the tangible, touchable proof she's alive and back with the people she loves. She and Jace share the kind of longing looks that aren't fit for anyone else to see, until he snaps and takes her hand with a softly exhaled, "Okay, enough," and they disappear together.

Alec's day winds down and Magnus fetches them dinner from the Institute kitchens. It's nothing special but it'll do. They eat in Alec's office and Magnus finishes first, realizing that they all missed lunch and he's ravenously starving. He's hungry all the time lately. 

When Alec has also finished, Magnus pours them both a drink and they settle on the couch opposite Alec's desk. 

"I can't believe she's back," Magnus says, straightening in his seat, alarmed when his eyes prick with tears. 

Alec doesn’t notice immediately, swipes a hand over his face and lets out a happy sigh. "Me neither." 

He turns to Magnus with a smile that instantly drops. Magnus' cheeks are wet. _Dammit_. He didn’t want to cry. He hasn’t, yet. 

"Magnus," Alec says, setting down their glasses and crowding closer to him on the coach, one hand finding its way to Magnus' shoulder. "What is it?" 

Magnus shakes his head. His throat aches. "I'm happy," he says, his voice catching. 

It's true, he is. But it's a revelation to realize it's the first time he has been truly happy since he returned from Edom. Oh, he's had bright moments: Madzie's little arms around his neck, Alec reading her a bedtime story, training with Alec, the teasing and the blissful detachment from his ever-present dark thoughts that came after, but this is the first time he feels light. Maybe that's why he's able to drop his guard and let the rest of everything he's feeling out. 

Alec holds him as he sobs. Strong arms anchor him as much as the familiar scent of Alec's skin, where Magnus presses his face at his throat. When he calms and pulls away, Alec's shirt is dark with Magnus’ tears and his eyes are wet with his own. 

Magnus presses their foreheads together. Alec will say something about how they're going to get through this and he, at least, will truly believe it. 

Magnus blinks, sniffs. 

_Wait._

"We're going to be okay, Alexander," he says. "We'll get through this."

Alec turns his head slightly in that way he does when he's not sure someone's telling the truth. His gaze is steady but he's narrowing that one eye. "Yeah?" he asks.

Magnus laughs, wipes the back of his hand under one eye. "Yes." 

Somehow, he's sure.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, comments and kudos are ♥
> 
> I'm on [twitter](https://twitter.com/ravelens) if you want to say hi.


End file.
